I know the last blog, article-ish-writing-thing I put out previously, started off saying something like, “Guess who’s back,” due to my lack of deadlines, being “busy,” and all the regular excuses you can fathom for not writing. And it would be redundant to say such a thing again, but guess who’s back.
I am an altered person from the last time I put the metaphorical pen to paper. Things have changed, but my crazy ass has stayed the same (naturally). I already have elucidated upon the idea of whether people can change in one of my other articles, and I’d very much appreciate for you to grapple with the notion of whether change within an individual is truly a possibility, or in fact a fallacy. And my goodness gracious, I have used a lot of quotations and probably “incorrectly.” But since I already discussed my thoughts on that (spoiler, I don’t think people can truly change unless they actively go against their instinct to continue their habitual behavior), I will move onto what I actually intend to discuss – the crisis of connection. I have finally conjured a topic I believe is relevant, especially in my life right now as being newly single and not ready to mingle. Let’s fall down the rabbit hole that is my thoughts and advice no one asked for…
The Beginning of Connection: Loneliness
In order to delve into the aforementioned title The Connection Crisis, we need to go to the start of why people seek out connecting. And this connecting I will be referring to is intimacy and romantic relationships, not friendships. And my theory is loneliness. We are so terrified of being alone to the extent that we stay in bad relationships, put ourselves through an endless texting waiting game for that guy/girl you really like, *cough cough* think is really attractive, to finally reply after countless hours or even days. Wondering if that cutie did indeed swipe right on you too, and then that gnawing pang that sits in the corner of your mind that makes you believe you failed at an aspect of life – being in a relationship. And what I believed prior to recognizing this intrusive thinking is this:
- I feel a sense of insignificance sometimes because nobody wants to date me
- I unfortunately base some of my self-esteem off of the validation of others – particularly romantic relationships
- I sometimes think I am not very interesting, or as special as my mom says I am, since conversations on dating apps/texting end up dwindling until it just ends
- Lastly, don’t trust everyone who works at Sephora – had many crying sessions recently and the mascara was not waterproof. The bitch lied and that’s one of the many reasons I have trust issues.
The first step understanding that you should not base your worth on whether you are in a relationship or not. Listen to your mama, you are special.
Your Worth is NOT Based on you’re Relationship Status
Please, please, please understand that being single, having an it’s complicated situation, in a relationship, married or even divorced, does not define who you are. Being in any of these situations is a part of you, but these actual labels are not you. The people with these labels should feel like they are complete and whole with themselves and not feel that they are finally completed by ultimately having another individual in their lives to love them. I am not bashing relationships and certainly not trying to give those who are single a difficult time. I am bashing the construct of: we are failing or succeeding in life based on our relationship status. Fuck that.
I have already mentioned the sage advice given by the goddess that is Ru Paul, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?” But will continue to utilize this for my rant (thank you Ru) because you need self-love, self-acceptance and most importantly knowing your self-worth, in order stop basing your happiness and sense of fulfillment on another individual. Especially the part about placing your happiness in the hands of anyone other than yourself. Think about it… If you go on a date and don’t hear anything back from that person, stop thinking that you didn’t say the right things, were talking way too much or that you’re not good looking enough; or whatever it is you are insecure about when meeting someone new. Stop thinking it’s your fault.
Look back at the facts: Did you actually hit it off or are you romanticizing the encounter because you feel lonely? Was it actually just mediocre but you’re trying to make it more? Stop doing that. Stop that right now and recognize this – this is the first time you are meeting this stranger, why are you thinking you failed if they don’t reach out to you? You are being crazy by placing your immediate happiness on whether he/she shoots you a text. You guys don’t even know each other, other than the awkward conversation exchanged over one meal or drinks. If you truly hit it off, you would know. And if you know your self-worth, you wouldn’t give someone who’s not really interested in you another opportunity to inevitably get disappointed. So stop putting yourself in this cycle, when all you have to do is realize that this stranger is not your lifeline to happiness. You are.
In Conclusion: The Connection Crisis
Alright, the moment we have all been waiting for. My opinions about something I like to call the connection crisis. This to me means that we crave the closeness, bond and attention of another person. We feel that we are not succeeding when that weird aunt who only shows up at Thanksgiving and other family functions asks, “So are you seeing anyone?” As if it’s an accusation of your shortcomings within the love department. Also, why do people think that being in a relationship is equivalent to success? It’s as if everyones ultimate life goal is to be in a relationship and that’s as good as it’s going to get… The societal construct of the nuclear family should be dismembered and the new idea of the ultimate relationship should be the one with you; because you have to be around that bitch, A LOT.
You need to comprehend that fulfillment comes from you. That if you are in a relationship, you are still capable and able to be an individual. You shouldn’t seek out connections with people that are truly not worth your time, effort or love because you are lonely. You need to understand your potential, participate in life and make your own happiness.
Don’t feel sorry for yourself or worthless because a date with a random person, or a long-term relationship, didn’t work out. Know at the end of the day you will attract the right people who will give you the love you know you deserve because you are the source of your own happiness, satisfaction and success. You are amazing in a relationship or not, it’s a label that you wear and not what you are.