A Millennial Tragedy

The Fallacies of Social Media
A little overdramatic of a title, I know, but I wanted to get your attention. But, do you know what else is as much of a dramatic let down as my tool to grab your attention? That sounded naughty, stick with me here: I N S T A G R A M. Ok, I am guilty of very much enjoying this social media forum. You got some great things going on there. You can mindless thumb through hundreds of thousands of pictures to waste time, get insights on the life of your favorite celebs, stalk said celebs especially if they geotag, checkout your crush, stalk you ex, stalk your friend who posted on their story 10 minutes ago but have yet responded to your text that was sent 30 minutes ago… Basically Instagram is great for getting to know people better. Or getting better acquainted with your idea of who they are. We’ll get to that a little bit later. But in all seriousness, I do enjoy it. For the artsy pictures, the adventurous snapshots and the funny accounts, there are positives to this social media outlet that has been taken over by influencers, up-and-coming models/actors, fitness gurus, travel junkies and even bloggers. You can post pictures and accompany them with or without caption; be it witty, thoughtful or even a little cheeky.
So, my humans who have stayed with me throughout my horrible and unscheduled postings, the subject is lè insta, but the topic in question here is this: What are we supposed to think when we view countless (and at times seemingly endless) monochromatic feeds pushed by (sometimes brand supported) random people? Ok, they aren’t completely random and sometimes there are genuinely creative creatures with pensions for photography and inspiring words from their minds and not just quotes from Gandhi. You know who I’m talking about. But my goodness gracious. What am I supposed to be focusing on when your nipples are hard while trying to talk about protecting the ocean’s wildlife? Like, someone please get her a blanket because, not only is she cold, but she’s going to cut clear through that Urban Outfitters top; and I know where it’s from because they tagged it & every piece of clothing/accessory and even location. How on trend… I’m sorry but your thoughful caption in which you either took the time to sift through the Pinterest, or some poetry, or phrases from tortured artists, or it most likely was the culmination of asking/texting your friends about said post, to what, distract me? I’m not hating on the nipple, I got a pair of my own. But were they sticking to a posting schedule and this happened to be the picture they had a mini photoshoot for, with a caption already concocted? Or was it vise versa? Or was this an opportunity to prove that you are more than a pretty face with hard nips? Let’s discuss.
Thirst Trap
Obviously that was a very detailed example, but it’s not actually based on one particular post. It was more of a combination of a few things that I have been seeing lately. It’s about similar things like hard nipples… excuse me, I giggled a little about that sentence and didn’t want to lazily just throw in an LOL. It’s the bikini pics, the heavily cleavaged photo, an obvious bodily focal point be it male or female (meaning muscles you perv, or meaning something else you prude). And please understand, I am not body shaming. I am not telling you you cannot post things like this. I am just saying to stop with the captions that clearly do not match said photo.
I was listening to a slue of podcasts by the lovely Call Her Daddy ladies of Barstool Sports and they basically said the same thing; if you’re going to post a pic that is clearly emphasizing your sexy self, be it a flex or an emphasis of your body, OWN IT. It’s actually worse when you decide to place a heartfelt quote or a meaningful paragraph underneath that thirst trap. Like no. Stop. Knock it off. If you’re trying to grab someone’s attention by a sultry photo, you’re honestly kind of ruining it with thoughtful texts or completely random captions. You’re not quirky. Just be sexy. That’s what you were aiming for anyway, right? And I’m not entirely sure who started it or why individuals continue to do it but let’s start throwing those pics up without captions. Maybe even a caption that is completely aware of thou thirst trap. Stay woke my frieds. Ms. Cooper and Ms. Franklyn told you so, except way funnier and quicker because I’m not sure if my satire translates well and you have to read this instead of listening to a hilarious podcast.
Listen Linda… Listen…
Next order of business, we’re keeping these thoughts on topic today folks. Be proud. The next segment of breaking down things I’ve noticed on the gram is: Do these individuals have an agreement with a company/brand or an uploading schedule that they end up captioning painfully unrelatable verbage? I’m referring to those cutesy photos that have completely random captions. Like, were you trying to be funny or something? Apparently they decided to do the opposite of their thirst trap that had the awkwardly thoughtful paragraph under their nearly naked photo. For this picture opportunity, you decided to write an either clunky, unrelated caption, or attempted to be somewhat witty and relatable but it kind of just flopped.
I know, you’re probably asking, who is this person to be judging so harshly? But it’s just my opinion. That absolutely no one asked for. You’re welcome. But listen Linda, for those who try so hard with a caption, don’t. If you can’t think of one, just let the picture do the talking. Sometimes less is more and that’s ok. And since this is more of a sassy section, here’s my list of top cringeworthy captions on Instagram and my thoughts while reading them…
Captions that Need To Cease it’s Circulation
Caption: Felt cute, might delete later.
Thought: Then why? What the? Stop fishing for compliments. You know it’s a damn good pic. Say it’s a good pic and be done with it… might delete later?… why you lie…
Caption: I don’t know about you but I’m feelin 22.
Thought: I don’t know about you but I’m feeling uninspired and old.
Caption: No caption necessary.
Thoughts: But you just… I’m rolling my eyes at you.
Caption: Low quality pic, hight quality *insert group of people or moment here*
Thoughts: No. Stop.
Caption: Dysfunctional.
Thoughts: At least you spelled it right.
Caption: Cheat meal.
Thoughts: Yes I’m drooling at the food porn, but I also know that you posted about your brunch last Sunday, then about your taco tuesday and then having a weakness for food trucks. This ain’t your “cheat meal” boo boo.
Caption: New year, new me.
Thoughts: I know from previous years IG stories, you’re going to go to the gym and eat healthy for approximately two months, then start making poor decisions and also pour some alcohol down your throat. But hey, at least you’re consistent.
Caption: Goals.
Thoughts: Ehh…
Caption: Too blessed to be stressed.
Thoughts: So, are boasting about your relationship with God or some happy pills because my stress has stress, and at this point I think I’m just entertaining the Almighty with my daily struggle for sanity at this point.
Caption: It’s a _______ kind of day.
Thoughts: No, it’s kind of not.
Caption: Boasting about “this super easy to make, healthy recipe” or description of how good they feel for fueling their body with such healthy foods.
Thoughts: B A C O N

Final Thoughts
From hard nips to trying to look like you’re not trying too hard in producing relateable yet quirky and interesting captions and content, the Instagram game is just that, a game. We win some, we lose some. We post things we later delete, we stalk people we love or hate and we write weird things under our pictures. I like it. It’s a way of expression and letting others get to know you in a way. Well, get to know the you you decide to curate and display for others.
And I’m only being hard on ya’ll because I’ve made similar mistakes. I’m just trying to learn from them; be it one caption at a time. But before I go, I have two questions for you, what are the captions you cringe at? And lastly, what does your Instagram say about you?

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